A mess worth delving into

Human beings are messy. If you interact with another human being, some of their mess is going to get on you, and vice versa.

I suppose you could avoid other's messiness, by creating an austere life where you wallow only in your own mess, and avoid others. That might make you feel safe, comfortable and in love with your own mess, but you'd miss out on a lot. You'd miss having your life touched by others, and touching other's lives with your own. You'd miss out on love, real joy, growth, and pain (Yes, I wrote "pain"--sometimes pain is good.)

Will you get burned if you throw yourself into the world, and show love and kindness to your fellow human beings? Abso-friggin-lutely. No doubt about it. It happens on occasion. But that's barely a blip on the screen in comparison to all you get and give when you put on your waders, slog your way out into the world to build relationships.

Dear RAD: leave.

Dear RAD, I hate you. If I could, I would kill you in nine different ways. I hate what you do to my kid. He is so amazing and sweet and wonderful; he doesn't deserve the likes of you. You're probably suprised to hear from me. I know you thought you had me, and I'll admit you got some pretty good kicks in. You thought I was down for the count, but I wasn't; I was regrouping. I've an arsenal so powerful, you might as well leave now. My son has a God Who loves him. He has a loving and supportive family. He's got a kickass therapist. Deep down, I know he wants to truly love and be loved. He wants to be happy. Oh, and he has the most stubborn woman in the world for his Mama. I'm not going anywhere. I will fight you with my dying breath if necessary. You aren't going to get me though, and you sure as hell aren't going to get my son. Someday he's going to stop listening to your lies, and I'm going to be there to watch my strong beautiful son stomp you in the ground, and stand over you victorious. I cannot express how delightfully I look forward to that day. Sincerely, Mama Bear

When is God going to just call me on the phone and tell me what to do??

Really rough day today. I am so unbelievably tired. And unsure. Some days with CJ I can see the path we're headed down, but it feels like I'm powerless to stop it. I can read and read and read on RAD, but it doesn't seem to help me figure out his brain. After months of the frustration building on both sides, we've enrolled him in school. You can't really home school if your child refuses to cooperate in any way shape or form. He cried and begged me to keep homeschooling. I wanted to cry too. Part of me feels relieved about a plan that will be so much better for everyone in our family. The stress levels should reduce for every person in this household. ZeZe will get much needed attention. She and I will have much needed bonding time. CJ will be in an environment where he will be more willing to cooperate with his educational plan....and yet.

There are some BIG downsides. This school will eat up every penny of the raise hubby got a mere 3 weeks ago. The raise that was supposed to go directly to debt. We will SIGNIFICANTLY lose a lot of the flexibility we cherish with the home school lifestyle. Our days will become much more hectic.

Oh, and I feel like a failure.

Sigh. I am dedicated to homeschooling. I particularly believe it's important when your child has attachment issues. I feel like I'm giving up on my kid. I feel like I was just too stupid to figure out how to make it work for him. This school is expensive and inconvenient, and I feel like it's my fault. I'm both mother and teacher, and neither role could figure out how to make homeschooling work for him.

I just want to do the right thing. So when is someone going to tell me what the right thing is?

MUST reads....

My dear readers, I have some awesome reading for you...and none of it is by me. As a service to you, I have scoured the internet for the very best blog posts for your reading pleasure. Actually, I'm a blogoholic (seriously, click on my profile, and check out how many blogs I follow. I dare you.) and here are some posts I've read lately that have deeply touched me, ministered to me, or remained in my head loooooong afterward:

Russell Moore explains that Jesus has AIDS

Cate, from Gathered From Afar, shares how As followers of Christ, the things we do for Him should not be radical to other followers.

Christine from Welcome to My Brain discusses her life as a freegan vegan flexitarian

Jami, from Life With a Personal God, talks about Loving When You Don't Feel Like It

Christine, from Welcome to My Brain, saved my day by teaching me how to tap

I found a kindred spirit and encouragement in Sarah, from The Many Stars that Guide Us, with her post, The One Who Knows

Courtney, from Storing Up Treasures, made me feel less alone when she posted on her own struggles with depression

Ramey, from This American Diet, inspired and encouraged me when she discussed ethical eating, labels, and walking the line

Angela, from Expecting... inspired me when she took up the Rockin' Mama Challenge

Lynne, from the Accidental Advocate, reminded me that even on the hard days, I wouldn't take back one second with my kids.

What are you waiting for? Go read, so you can heal/think/be inspired/learn!

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January 19th, 1997

14 years ago today my life changed forever. That evening, I reluctantly went to dinner to someone's home with my parents and 2 younger siblings. I wasn't 3 feet in the door before I laid eyes on a young man, and it felt like my brain exploded. All I could hear in my head was "This is my husband. I'm going to marry him." I think if he'd asked, I would have gone to the alter with him that evening. :) He didn't ask until just over a year later, and I was thrilled to answer yes. Over our 12+ years of marriage, he has delighted and surprised me continually. This man is thoughtful, amazing, brilliant, hot, and fun. Without him, my life would suddenly go from color to black and white. He is confident, but not at all arrogant. In fact, unlike so many men, he is not a worshiper of genetic idolatry. When I told him that I didn't want biological children because there are so many parentless children in the world, he told me that he doesn't need to have genetic children to feel like a man, and that he'd be perfectly happy being father to the fatherless. And he is. He doesn't need to see his eyes or hair in a child, to know that child is his. And he loved our children instantly upon meeting them. I know with absolute certainty that he would not hesitate to give his own life to protect mine. He is an unfathomably amazing lover. He's an incredible dog owner to 5 dogs, even though I know he'd like only 2. He massages my feet most nights, even when he's tired and worn out from his job. This man loves my cooking. He works a job that he has no particular desire for, or draw to, so that he can provide well for our family. He appreciates me. Even though I'm not a very good housekeeper. Even though I'm disorganized. Even though I have a terrible memory. Even though I'm usually sleep-deprived and grumpy. He appreciates me for what I do for our family. He makes me feel beautiful. We talk about everything. He is my best friend. I have never been loved as deeply by any human being on earth as I have been by the man I first laid eyes on 14 years ago.

Matzati et she'ahava nafshi.

When I mention to people that I'm a pesco-vegetarian, they get a look on their face. The look clearly says they picture us sitting around gnawing on twigs. I assure you, you absolutely can include more veggie-centric meals in your diet without feeling dissatisfied (or chaining yourself to a tree!) Here's what this week's menu looked like in our home (keep in mind we're low on funds and I've been sick, so it's not fancy, but filling nonetheless): Sunday: Bean burritos, salsa, fried eggs, cole slaw, and chips. Monday: Vegetable Frittata (eggs, mushrooms, red bell pepper, onion, broccoli and cheese) and a fruit crisp. Tuesday: Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup Wednesday: Caribbean black beans and cous cous with rolls Thursday: Harvest Soup (lentils, split peas, rice, tomatoes, veggie broth, cabbage) and bread Friday: Pizza and Salad Saturday: Leftovers We usually have breakfast for dinner (eggs, potatoes, and muffins) once a week by popular demand. Spaghetti, green beans and garlic bread shows up fairly often--as does split pea soup. We also eat fish, so salmon cakes with mashed potatoes, or tuna noodle casserole with peas make appearances fairly often in the rotation as well. The rest of my family is Flexitarian, so I sometimes get them frozen meals or meaty soups they enjoy while I forage. I'm allergic to cow dairy products, so our menu is fairly limited, but if you're okay with dairy, your options for vegetarian meals are wide open! Check out a few vegetarian cookbooks from your library, and see if sometime sounds good. Reducing the amount of meat in your diet is good for you and your pocket book. Even just 2 nights a week can make a difference. Try it--your body and your bank account will thank you! *The picture above is from dinner last night. ZeZe insisted I take a picture of the "beautiful" pizza before popping it in the oven. :)