Still in the adoption process waiting to be matched--waiting to find out who the next little precious member of this family will be.
Waiting (and dreading) my hubby's upcoming deployment. I don't care what anyone says, you never get used to living apart from your soul mate. Never. And it ALWAYS hurts. I want it over with. And I'm nervous about how the kids will take it. They're dread of it has more than begun as well.
Our other house has been on the market for more than 100 days. We really need it to sell. We don't even care about a profit anymore, we just need to be out from under the enormous burden of a second mortgage.
I know, everything happens in God's timing. In the meantime I hurt. I long for that little member of our family to join us. I worry that it won't ever happen. I worry about all the things that will go wrong during hubby's deployment. And trust me, stuff WILL go wrong. I know how much it hurts to be apart from him, and how much it hurts my kids. I'm not looking forward to our suffering. I'm downright scared that our other house won't sell and that we're going to run out of money in the meantime (which day by day becomes an increasingly very real possibility). I'd like to say I'm 100% confident that these things will happen in God's perfect timing, that He will care for us and comfort us no matter what transpires in the meantime...but sometimes I worry, and a little voice whispers in my head what if He doesn't? What if He doesn't care? I'm totally crappy at trusting God. I always want to know the reasons WHY it all hurts so much sometimes.
It just so happens that today when I've really been struggling with these doubts and fears, I picked up a book and read the following by Os Guinness:
To suffer is one thing, to suffer without meaning is another, but to suffer and choose not to press for meaning is the worst of all. Yet that is the suicidal submission that faith's suspension of judgement seems to involve.
There are times when we see glimpses of God's ways but not enough to allow us to make true conclusions about what he is doing and why. Yet we cannot resist jumping to conclusions anyway. Then, being insistent as well as inquisitive, we refuse to suspend judgement, and our wrong conclusions to misrepresent God that we end by doubting him. But if Christian's faith is to be itself and let God be God at such times, it must suspend judgement and say, "Father, I do not understand you, but I trust you."
Os Guinness goes on to outline why we can trust God. It really was just what I needed today. I still feel antsy and scared and have no idea what the future holds and how many heartbreaks may be ahead. But now my mind returns to these words from Os Guinness:
Doubts about the Father are silenced in the Son...the truth of the Incarnation is not just good theology; it is practical comfort and assurance. Jesus identifies with us in our humanity, and now we know that God is for us in Christ. He can be trusted. He went through torture too. When we see Jesus on the cross we can come to trust God with an unutterable trust that never for a moment considers he will not stand by us in our sufferings.
