Butterflies, Ants, and War

Today I took the kids for a walk in the desert park. Much like that fateful day 12 years ago, I felt like getting away from the media and enjoying something as changeless as nature. It was sunny and humid (for a change) so I was huffing and puffing my way up a hill, when I heard my youngest exclaim, "Oooh! A worker ant carrying a little caterpillar! I bet it's taking it to it's queen. Oh, I just LOVE watching ants work!" This was shortly after I heard "Look a black swallowtail butterfly!" and we all had to stop and watch. Each delighted sighting of nature brightened my day in so many ways.

I often think of my life as having happened in two segments: before 9/11 and after 9/11. The before seemed more lighthearted and happy, the after seems more weary and suspicious. It fills me with incredible sadness that my kids have only known the latter their whole lives.

The week leading up to the anniversary of September 11 always fills me with somber reflection. My husband was stationed at Ft. Carson in Colorado Springs in September of 2001. I was a part time college student studying French and Nutrition. We had been married almost 3 years, and life was pretty good. The only uncertainty in our lives was that my husband was about to discharge from the military in November, and we weren't sure where life would take us next. We loved CO, and hoped to stay in the area, enjoying a lifetime of hiking, snow, amazing views and awesome breweries.

September 11th was a class day for me. I stopped at a Safeway to grab some zinc, because I was feeling a cold coming on. As I approached the checkout, I noticed everyone staring open-mouthed at the TV. I asked the person next to me what had happened. Without looking away from the TV, they said a plane had hit one of the twin towers. I looked up at the TV and watched in horror as a second plane hit the second tower. My thoughts were a jumble, but I'll never forget them: "Shit. We're at war. There's going to be a stop-loss. This had to be Osama bin Laden. What if this is a coordinated effort across the US? Is Fort Carson safe? Those poor, poor people. Does my husband know about this yet? Is my husband going to war?" I walked out of the store with an incredibly heavy heart. I looked over at Pikes Peak, and I was reminded instantly that God was still in control. He was still on His throne, and He would bring us through what would undoubtedly be a difficult future. At the same time, I knew that life as I knew it was about to change forever. And it did. My husband didn't end up leaving the military. He felt like he'd be leaving his country in a bind if he left as we were on the brink of war. So, we packed up, left our beloved Colorado, and headed to a new duty station (in a new branch of the military.) Three children ended up joining our lives, so that we eventually became a family of five.

The world has become a rougher place than I remember of those pre 9/11 days. War, violence, terror and poverty consume the news. Americans are weary. And yet, some things remain the same. Little worker ants take food to their queen, and my children delight in watching it happen. God cares for even that little worker ant, and provides for its every need. Though my children are so aware of the violence, pain, war, and sadness in the world, God also takes care of their little minds in this post 9/11 world, reminding them of the truth of His loving care, and giving them great delight in the ordinary.

I dread this time of year.

It's getting close to Summer. While I'm not a big fan of hot weather and bugs, what I dread the most is summer shopping...for my 8-year-old daughter. I don't want my little girl in bikinis, halter tops, hot pants, mini skirts, or short shorts. We're trying to teach her modesty, and most of the time when I enter a children't store, I feel like I'm battling the whole world in the process. Especially when I'm checking out the news, and I see this.

A lot of parents think I'm being ridiculous, and chide me that they're "just little girls. It's no big deal." I think it's a big deal; it's important to me that I don't want to raise her to treat herself as a sexual object for men. We don't let her wear anything now that we wouldn't want her to wear when she's 17. What kind of message would we be sending her otherwise?

It's also important to me that men don't view my little girl as a sexual object. What kind of society will we create if we sexualize children? That's almost too scary and nauseating to contemplate.

I like winter. I can buy her boys jeans and cute girly t-shirts and sweaters. Modest and cute. Win win. Summer is so much more complicated. I'm not going to find anything that can pass as girly in the boys' section, and I rarely find anything appropriate in the girls' section. Too bad I don't sew...but on the other hand, I'm not sure I want to be one of those homeschoolers!

Growth? No, really, I'm good.

"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Control freak--now you say 'control freak who?'" Yes, I am a control freak. No, I don't actually have one iota of control over anything. The fact that recognize both makes me sound a little less than sane, huh? :) Last week was insanely stressful. I spent most of one of the days at the social security administration...nuff' said. Next one of my child had an EPIC meltdown. Then we had our new microwave installed...which didn't fit, and thus had to be uninstalled, packaged back up, and sent back to the store. Then we got screwed over by a reputable company when we tried to refinance our mortgage (we were outright lied to) Then I ended up with a hefty penalty bill on my kids' B-day party, because people who didn't RSVP showed up. Then the cherry on top was receiving a $3,000.00 bill in the mail for our son's dental work a few months ago--a bill that we had been told was covered by insurance...a bill that arrived here labeled 90 days past due and with finance charges attached (no, we hadn't received any previous communication from them) On top of all this, I was in terrible pain when my allergies kicked in from the incredibly windy weather. I was in the car complaining to my husband that I was so happy to say good riddance to such an awful week, and I couldn't believe my allergies were so horrible, when my son asked me if God makes everything happen for a reason, shouldn't I be rejoicing? Darn it, who is teaching these kids these things?? Oh, yeah. I guess if I'm going to have a pity party, it should be out of the earshot of the kiddos, otherwise I'm likely to learn something or grow a little ;) Someone reminded me this week as I was complaining that I am so freaking sick of learning lessons in life, that if I wasn't learning, I wouldn't be growing. I have to admit, this was a week that I would have happily accepted less growth. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less. Laying about and enjoying the scenery, with nothing happening at all kind of less. I'm real mature that way.