Introverts, Homeschooling, RAD, Bullying, Sexual Surrogacy, and more: Sunday Bloggy stew

I've read some fantastic things on the internet the past couple weeks, and I think you should read them too! :)

I love answering questions about homeschooling. There's just one (frequent) question that drives me bonkers. Jamie at See Jamie Blog, does a bang up job of answering said annoying question here.

I don't really have anything to say about this next one, except read it: RAD–the anti-adoption sign

I found this one really encouraging when you're in the trenches, but I also think it's an indispensable read for those about to embark on adoption or foster care: Romanticizing adoption? Don’t do it!

As an introvert, there are certain challenges to motherhood...you know, like being around small people All. The. Time. This post really spoke to me: The Introverted Mother

and two from The Matt Walsh Blog:

I’m an introvert, and I don’t need to come out of my shell --loved this one. I felt like it was specifically written for the 3/5 of my household that happens to be introverted.

and

A letter from a bullied kid --great advice for any kid dealing with the jerks of the world.

From Her.meneutics: We Don't Need Sexual Healing --a great post on sexual surrogacy

If you only have time to read one post today, make it this one.

If you're at all connected to the adoption world, you're probably familiar with a certain Reuters article of late. I love this response.

Here's a great article dealing with some of the ethical issues surrounding adoption today.

I especially loved this part:

If there’s one thing I could point to in myself and my adoption hopes that seems flawed and likely to contribute to corruption within the system, it’s this: Like most people, even evangelicals, I’d love to adopt a newborn. A healthy newborn. But the fact is, children fitting that description are a small percentage of the millions of orphans worldwide. Adopting an older child, and/or one with disabilities, seems different from adopting a “perfect” newborn. But you know what? If you read adoption literature widely and deeply, you’ll see that there is no single path to a “perfect” adoptive family. (And is there one path to any kind of “perfection” in any kind of family?) Even the healthy newborn adopted on day two can end up having serious attachment problems. The older child with a disability can become the joy of a couple’s life.

Yes, adoption is expensive (easily close to $30,000, depending on the route one takes), ethically confusing, frustrating, and occasionally heartbreaking. Our adoption by God through Christ wasn’t cheap, either, and we who would adopt shouldn’t give up because it’s hard. Rather, we should wisely discern what’s truly best for all involved—even if it means opening ourselves to the potential for greater hurt.

Because who knows? It may yet be the avenue for greater joy.

If you...

Are an adoptive parent


Want to become an adoptive parent


or


Know an adoptive parent...


You need to read this.

Praise God for a wonderful Labor Day.

I never really used to consider Labor Day a holiday. I actually thought it was a bit ridiculous. Now my husband is a hard working Sergeant, and I'm excited about any day that means an extended relaxing weekend together as a family.

I don't remember last Labor Day. I suspect that I probably have blocked it out. We had no honeymoon period with CJ. At. All. Last Labor Day he would have joined our family a mere 3 weeks prior. He was in a lot of emotional pain, which he only knew how to express through anger. A LOT of anger. All. The. Time. This time last year was not fun. Sometimes I forget that. I shouldn't. Even though it was a horrible time in all our lives, I think it's important to remember.

Today was such a marvelous day together as a family and I didn't think much beyond thanking God that we all got to enjoy a beautiful day together (hubby was off work) It didn't even occur to me that last year this time our whole family felt hostage to my son's emotional problems. At that time our circumstances felt so hopeless, and our future so bleak,I could never even have envisioned a holiday where we were happy.

Last year at this time I was crying out to God begging Him to help my son, and help my whole family make it through. I continued crying out to Him for months.

How soon we forget.

How grateful I am.

Thank you, LORD.

Meet the Robinsons...I kinda wish we hadn't

I've wanted to see Meet the Robinsons since it came out. For one reason or another, I never got to. A few months ago, I brought up to hubby the possibility of buying it and watching as a family. Once I told him the plot, he shut me down in a hurry. He was afraid a plot line involving a child desperate to meet his birthmom--the only person who ever really loved him--would be detrimental to our kids healing and attachment. I probably should have listened to him about these minor details, but I didn't want to raise my kids in a bubble (despite their traumatic past) blah, blah, blah. Sigh.

Our library offers a free movie on Thursday afternoons. They have a projector, the kids bring pillows and blankets, and everyone settles in to watch a movie. We'd never been before, and I saw that they were playing Meet the Robinsons today. I asked the kids what they thought. I mentioned the part of the movie that might bring up sad feelings for them. They both told me they had seen the movie before, that it wouldn't bother them...oh, and hubby wasn't here to run it by. So, feeling ÜBER confident in my amazingly thoughtful parenting skills, I blithely packed up both kiddos and head out to Meet the Robinsons.

First of all, I loved the movie. It was fantastic. The kids enjoyed it immensely...except for the very last scene, when he is in a car headed to his new home with his new family. My daughter lost it. Huge wracking sobs. She threw herself at me and just sobbed. Everyone in the room (100 or so people) turned to look at us, so I led her out of the room to the hall. In the hall, she continued gasping and sobbing and telling me how the end of the movie reminded her of one of her more traumatic moves (she moved to a number of different homes before joining our family, but this particular one is the one she always seems most disturbed by) and it filled her with sadness. Motherhood fail.

In that moment, my heart felt crushed. The sadness that enveloped me made it difficult to breathe. Then like a baseball between the eyes, it hit me that the proverb "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." is so incredibly true. My happiness is completely tied into that of my children's. Your life is so incredibly altered when you enter into parenthood. Not that that's bad. Romans 12:15 reminds us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." --in parenthood you have many opportunities to live this out.

When my son is struggling with depression, and that cloud of depression envelopes me, or when my children are in pain from past trauma, and my heart breaks, this emotional tie parents have with their children may seem like it has a lot of pitfalls, but there are rewards too--because their happiness is that much sweeter to me. When their hearts sing, mine soars. I just have to remember that in hard times when my heart shatters from their pain.

It's happened countless times.

I couldn't tell you the number of times I've spoken with a person who seems enthusiastic about adoption, then they say "I'd love to adopt, but..." Their reasons that follow vary, but tend to boil down to the same issue. Watch this video I found posted on Jen's blog to find out what I'm talking about:




This video speaks for itself.

So why all the adoption posts of late? I know I blog about adoption a lot, but even I can see that I've been hitting it hard and heavy lately. I suppose the reasons are twofold:

1) I've felt a desperate desire to help waiting children of late. Yeah, if you know me in real life, you know that's me all the time. But lately, it's been a more desperate, more urgent desire to help these kids. If I can use my blog as a avenue to keep the word out about children in need, I will.

2) Things in my personal life aren't bloggable right now (relax, it's just finances, housing situation and military stuff), and I don't feel like blogging about my personal reflections, because I don't want to focus on my life's frustrations at the moment.

So I'm sorry my posts are starting to sound like a broken record, I can't tell you when it's going to let up. Right now waiting children are the biggest thing in my heart and on my mind.

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails...

The first time we adopted, I really really wanted a little girl. I pictured all we could do together--from baking to dress up, to snuggling and reading. I couldn't wait. We sent inquiries concerning a few little boys, but my heart's desire was a girl. What in the world would I do with a boy, anyway? I knew nothing about little boys. I grew up with sisters. Girls I got. Boys...not so much. Boys were scary.

Well, I got my little girl. And we thoroughly enjoyed our girl stuff (we still do!) but then a peculiar thing began to happen. My heart had a new desire. A scary desire. I wanted a little boy too. I didn't know why. I had no experience with boys. Boy are loud. Boys are impulsive. They think trucks and hunting are cool. But I couldn't shake that desire. And I knew that there are tons of little boys out there needing a family.

So we began the adventure of adding a little boy to our family. And it was scary (especially since he was 8 years old, and had suffered untold hurt in his young life) None of our lives will ever be the same. I wouldn't be the same person without CJ, and he wouldn't be the same person without me. It turns out boys aren't that scary (though I'll admit I often have a hard time figuring why their brains work the way they do!) It turns out boys aren't just for dads. I love doing things with my little boy. We play games, snuggle, read together, bake together, go out to the bookstore, have deep conversations. I love my life with a little boy in it. I saw this video today, and it totally made me reflect on the little boy who has changed my life forever, and how I hope there are more little boys in my future!

Open your eyes; open your heart

It's been a while since I've blogged. Almost a month, actually. There's been a lot of tedious little things keeping me from my more enjoyable parts of life (friends, blogging, activities...they've all sadly been cut short lately.) From illness to IRS difficulties, to roadblocks in getting our old home on the market...it's been consuming (and fatiguing). I've also been feeling a little down regarding at issue near and dear to my heart.

18 months ago hubby and I began a search to build our family. Ultimately this search brought us to our son, CJ. I'm grateful that was God's plan, as I love him more than life itself. During this search we became aware of 3 other individual boys in need of permanent families. Though our paths did not intersect, I have often thought of and prayed for each of these intelligent, adorable, sweet young men. Recently I was looking at some adoption photolistings when I saw each of them still listed there. Still in foster care. Still with no potential family in sight.

Had God not brought us together, this is where my precious son would be. Still waiting. Needing a place to call home and people to call family.

It breaks my heart to think of these boys, held indefinitely in limbo as they wait for a family who may never come.

Please consider making room in your heart and home for a child waiting in foster care. Throw away the myths--you know what I'm talking about. You've all heard stories about troubled older children and the problems they cause. I'm fairly certain those tales are created by bitter, guilty feeling people who have never been able to justify their lack of desire to make a hurting child their own. That's what we're talking about here: hurt kids. Not troubled; hurting.

You have the ability to completely change the trajectory for a human being who may not have much of a chance in life otherwise. You could take a child who has experienced little besides pain and make them a beloved treasured child.

Am I saying it's easy? By no means! It is the most challenging, difficult, impossible task you could ever envision taking on. It's also without doubt, the most rewarding experience you will ever have in your entire life...if you're willing to step out of your comfort zone, live your faith and show God's love to ones who need it most.

Go to www.photolisting.adoption.com look at their faces, I know it's hard, but let your heart break for them. Pray for them by name with their face in your mind. Open your heart and listen to how God is calling you to these children. Pray for them, love them. Even if that's all you ever do for them, it more than most have ever done for them.

Dear RAD: leave.

Dear RAD, I hate you. If I could, I would kill you in nine different ways. I hate what you do to my kid. He is so amazing and sweet and wonderful; he doesn't deserve the likes of you. You're probably suprised to hear from me. I know you thought you had me, and I'll admit you got some pretty good kicks in. You thought I was down for the count, but I wasn't; I was regrouping. I've an arsenal so powerful, you might as well leave now. My son has a God Who loves him. He has a loving and supportive family. He's got a kickass therapist. Deep down, I know he wants to truly love and be loved. He wants to be happy. Oh, and he has the most stubborn woman in the world for his Mama. I'm not going anywhere. I will fight you with my dying breath if necessary. You aren't going to get me though, and you sure as hell aren't going to get my son. Someday he's going to stop listening to your lies, and I'm going to be there to watch my strong beautiful son stomp you in the ground, and stand over you victorious. I cannot express how delightfully I look forward to that day. Sincerely, Mama Bear

Reflections

Recently the birthmother of one of my children turned 30. I thought of her all day on her birthday. Just 6 weeks before her special day, I turned 30 myself. 30 is a big age for reflection on your life. My thoughts turned to my accomplishments, my failures, my children, my relationship with God, my life's goals. I had a really wonderful birthday too; everyone in my life made it very special. I wonder what her day was like. Did anyone make it special for her? Did she think of her firstborn? Did she ponder her life? Did she have regrets or hopes or dreams for the future? I can't help but compare. Two women born 6 weeks apart in the United States. One born into a stable family and given many opportunities for success. The other never given a chance in life. I know enough of her life to know from her earliest memories, she did not have any kind of stability in life. These two women, so different in many ways, have one of the greatest commonalities possible: we both call the same child "daughter." Her firstborn, my first child. On her birthday, I said to my hubby, "X turns 30 today. I wonder what she's doing to celebrate her life." Hubby said "Honey, her life is so different from yours. The life she leads isn't one easily lent to reflection and celebration." I know he's right. I know she lives day to day surviving. I hope though, that despite many of the desperate circumstances that rule her life, that she thought of her firstborn. I hope she thought of her with affection, and I hope she knows that she's happy.

Resolutions...

A new year is upon us. So many people see a new year as a new chapter to be written in their lives. They often speak of making a difference in their lives. I wonder how many people have considered making a difference in someone else's life. There are many, many ways to do this, but I'm going to focus on one in particular. Every single week of my life, I run into someone who tells me they've always wanted to adopt from foster care. I don't know anyone though who has actually done it afterwards. I've pondered a lot the reasons for this when there are so many children in foster care waiting for families. I think it's fear. It's makes sense--it's a scary journey. You wonder What if a social worker doesn't think I'd make a good parent? What if the child doesn't like me? What if a child we bring into our home hurts another of our children? What if he/she has RAD? What if the trauma they've experienced has ruined them? These are all questions I struggled with before we adopted our son. I felt sure though that it was what we were called to do, so I had to step out in faith. Along the way I found some great resources to help answer a lot of my questions. The best one was this: Resources for Parents Adopting from Foster Care --there you will find statistics like the following: FOSTER CARE STATISTICS * Currently, there are approximately 425,000 children in foster care in the United States. It's estimated that 115,000 are eligible for adoption. *In 2009, about 57,466 children were adopted from foster care. *69% of parents who adopt from foster care are married couples, 31% are single-parent families. *Median age of child in foster care: 8.1 years. *Race/ethnicity of children in foster care: 38% Caucasian, 30% African-American, 22% Hispanic, 10% other. *The average child in foster care goes through three different placements and stays in the system for about 30 months. *Each year, about 26,000 children age out of foster care. As well as a myriad of personal stories from those who have adopted children from foster care. Check it out. If your thighs don't shrink in 2011, it's not that big of a deal in the great scheme of things; consider making a change this coming year that will truly make a difference in someone's life.

Peace on earth would be nice, peace in this home? Priceless!

If you're a trauma Mama, you're probably holding your breath this week. As I'm sure you've come to realize, holidays can be tough for the traumatized child. I'm by no means an expert at all, but we've found a few things over the past couple of years to be helpful: 1. The first one we learned very quickly (the hard way), is not to overwhelm trauma children with gifts. I know you want to shower them with presents. I know. I know they may have had very little to call their own in their short lives, and you want to make up for it. I know. You just have to do it carefully. We still shower our kids with gifts...we've just learned not to do it all on Christmas morning! We give gifts to the kids throughout the month of December. It makes a huge difference. 2. We have to keep some semblance of normalcy (or as normal as it gets in this house!) during the hustle and bustle of the holidays. So, being a home school family, we continue to do school, and try to maintain as many routines as possible. It sounds mean to continue to school over Christmas break; I promise it's nicer than it sounds, because they're craving routine. They need it.

3. Even though things are really busy, we make an effort to make sure each child gets one-on-one parent time...even if that means just heading to the store or gas station alone with a parent. Now that you have received the wisdom from a totally inexperienced novice, go read some really really good advice from Essie the Accidental Mommyand Christina at Welcome to My Brain

Trauma

This post by Jennifer at The Least Complicated nails it. Go read it. Seriously, she says it better than I ever could have.

Parenting children who have experienced trauma becomes your new norm when you're in the midst of it, but at the outset of adoption, many people expect it to be all unicorns and rainbows. Few understand the reality of what they may face. I'm not trying to scare anyone away from adoption. Just because something is difficult, doesn't mean it isn't amazing and worth it. God doesn't usually call us to what's easy and comfortable.

It's also amazing the things you discover you can deal with. The other night, I was telling my husband about a woman who's blog I follow:

Me: "I really admire her. Her kids have some significant issues, and she's always there for them, always determined to help them heal. I'm not sure I could do it. I mean we're talking peeing in retaliation, becoming violent during unbelievable meltdowns, pathological lying, stealing--seriously, I don't know how she does it."

Hubby: *stares at me, with odd look* "Now name something we haven't dealt with in our very home."

Me: "Uh, yeah, but her kids are different. Seriously, it sounds worse."

The only difference is that my kids are mine, and I love them. God has brought us together, and he's equipped us for the job. Of course it helps too, that I've seen a lot of healing in my kids. Particularly with ZeZe, who has come such a long way in the past 2 years. That helps a lot too; that experience helps me to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel with CJ.

Adoption isn't unicorns and rainbows. It's hard and it's amazing. I would take the gritty truth of it over rainbows and unicorns any day (well, most days, anyway!). When you've been through hell with your kid, and you come out on the other side together, it creates a bond like no other.

163 Million Minus One...

I'm sure you've heard the statistic that there are 163 million orphans in the world. Well, now there are 163 million....minus one :) CJ's adoption was finalized via telephone on November 22nd, 2010. He now has a family forever. No more shifting from home to home. No more trauma. Now he can be on a path to healing and come to know security. Please pray for all of us as he learns what forever means. Yes this post is late. Life has been overwhelming. Parenting children who have been traumatized is a lot different than parenting children who have not. The past couple months, parenting CJ has required of me nearly all of my time (including my blogging time!)...and the rest of my time has been devoted to making sure ZeZe doesn't get lost in the shuffle! We've made some progress lately (or at least I think so) so I'm optimistic that maybe I'll be able to sneak in a little blogging time in the coming weeks.

Adoption is beautiful, but ugly attitudes persist...even among adoptive parents.

Adoption is beautiful. It doesn't matter if that child is brown, white, African, American, Guatemalan, Chinese, etc. A child is a child is a child, and when a child is in need, it's so beautiful when God meets that need with a family. What's not so beautiful are some of the ugly attitudes about adoption. Now, I just want to preface what I'm about to say with the fact that I have absolutely nothing against international adoption--I think international adoption is wonderful, and if God so leads our family, we will enthusiastically pursue international adoption at some point. Now that the disclaimer is over, I have to say, I am heartily sick of the prevailing attitude among adoptive/potential adoptive parents that international adoption is somehow a superior form of adoption over domestic, because children domestically supposedly aren't in need. It makes me quite angry when I hear proponents of international adoption say that the children in US foster care don't experience real need the way children in other countries do. I think this view is bred largely of ignorance. Children in foster care have real need. Children are 11 times more likely to be abused in State care than they are in their own homes. So much sexual abuse takes place in foster homes, as victims come into homes unequipped to deal with their needs and then mimic the things done to them towards other children. It's hard to get actual statistics, as not many children are willing to talk about sexual abuse they've experienced, but it does appear that few children escape foster unscathed by sexual abuse. Nationwide, an estimated 30,000 adolescents age out of the foster care system each year. According to the Child Welfare League of America, 25 percent become homeless, 56 percent are unemployed, 27 percent of male children end up in jail. In fact, 80 percent of prison inmates have been through the foster care system. There are wonderful foster parents out there. There are also abusive and neglectful ones. So please don't tell me that the needs of all the children in foster care are being met, so we shouldn't waste resources helping them. I personally know children who have suffered physical abuse, medical neglect, and sexual abuse while in foster care (for the record, I also know children who were loved and treated quite well in foster care, I just know far fewer of them). When a child is not able to receive basic medical care, enough food to eat, or have a safe place to sleep at night, their basic needs are NOT being met. So there are holes all over the argument that US adoption isn't as important as international adoption. This though, I really think is secondary to the most important motive in adopting any child (anywhere in the world) Giving a child a family--a place to be loved and cherished, a home. That is the most important issue. And there are children all over the world, from your very own city to the other side of the planet with this need. You either have a passion to help children in need, or you don't. If you do, you'll advocate for children all over the planet, not just from where you assume (and in your opinion) the most need exists. God told us to care for orphans. Period. He didn't include a global map with push pins showing us where the most important orphans reside. They're all important. Every last one. So many beautiful ways to show God's love to the world. The whole world.

Yep, I'm tired. Wanna make something of it?

This cartoon is my life right now. Even though I have 2 kids, it perfectly depicts my life (my 2 can feel like 4 sometimes, and I have more than double the dogs shown in it anyway!) Lately I've been really hard on myself. I'm really tired. Stressed out. Whiny. I keep telling myself to buck up, pull it together and be the fantastic mom I always knew I would be. Then the other night I was reading a blog where a woman mentioned that she had 6 kids in 6 years. I chuckled to myself and thought "I hear you. I had 2 kids in under 2 years!" Then I realized: I had TWO kids. In UNDER TWO years. No wonder I'm tired!! 1 year and 9 months after bringing home our daughter, we brought home our son. Parenting older children is a little different than parenting a newborn. It's like learning how to swim by being thrown in the deep end of the pool. So yeah, I'm ALLOWED to be tired. I've been a mom for only 2 years. It's ridiculous to think I'd have this motherhood thing down perfectly. My kids are happy, clean, well fed, educated, and secure. That's something to be happy about, rather than looking at all my failings. It's been a difficult year to boot. My hubby was gone to the Middle East for the first 1/2 of the year. Then as soon as he came home, we met, and brought home our 8-year-old son. We've faced a myriad of problems in getting our son the healthcare he needs, and we've had to deal with a lot of bureaucrats along the way. Under normal circumstances, getting used to parenting (and homeschooling!) 2 kids at once would be tough, but when you add the other stressors, I think I'm allowed to be tired! The problem is, when you adopt, there are a lot of people watching you. Of course there are the social workers, that's not such a big deal. The big deal is all the people you know. Many are watching because they're contemplating adoption, and some are watching out of curiosity concerning this whole adoption thing. Unfortunately, some are also watching and waiting for you to fall flat on your face, so they can say "I told you so!" That's a lot of pressure on an adoptive family who are trying to wade through issues of attachment and adjustment. I feel like I always have to have a giant smile on my face and tell everyone how incredibly wonderful EVERYTHING is. That's just not true. I LOVE my kids, but adopting older children (and by older, I'm referring to any child older than newborn) is very challenging at times. I'm okay with that. I know God has called me to this. I guess my fear is that other people aren't okay with it. I'm worried someone will see how hard this is sometimes and decide not to help a hurting child. I'm scared people who are unfamiliar with adoption, when they see our family's imperfections, will blame it all on adoption, and wag their tongues about it. I hate that when I'm having a rough day sometimes, I find out someone's been telling other people that I clearly got in over my head. I fear that if my family doesn't appear perfect, that people who have been looking for a reason to treat my children differently, will pounce on it. We're doing okay though. My kids are happy. They're healthy. They enjoy life. I enjoy them. Yeah, I'm tired. What mom isn't? No, they're not always perfectly behaved. What child is? So I've decided to care less about what other people think. If someone decides not to adopt because it holds challenges, then I would have to say their heart isn't in the right place to do so anyway. If someone is judging that I'm in over my head or I wasn't cut out for motherhood because I'm tired and overwhelmed at times, they can go...well, never mind, but suffice to say, despite my love for animals, it applies to the horse they rode in on too. And if someone decides to treat my children poorly, they should think twice, because this Mama Bear isn't in the mood to take prisoners right now. Tongues can wag until they fall off. I've decided I don't care anymore. I love my family, and I'm so happy with the way it is. Before the beginning of time, God chose these children as mine, and me for their Mama. That's good enough for me. I may be tired, but I'm happy. The only thing I need right now is encouragement...not wagging tongues. Hi, I'm Laura. I'm tired, overwhelmed, I occasionally totally blow it in motherhood, and I'm completely imperfect. But it's okay. God's working amazing things in my life and the lives of my family members. He is good. All the time.

Clinging

Long time, no blog. I guess that's what happens when you meet and bring home your 8-year-old son. The past few weeks have been a wild ride. We've had some wonderful times and some not so wonderful times. Daily I have felt immensely blessed to be chosen by God as the mother to both my children. Daily I have questioned my abilities as a mother. My hubby and I have been married for over 11 years. We have weathered some tough storms. We've spent long periods of time apart due to the military. Handling crises doing those periods of aloneness really shored up my confidence. Prior to motherhood, I would have described myself as a confident woman who could handle nearly anything thrown at her. Motherhood is...humbling. I absolutely cannot handle it on my own, and daily I question whether I was meant to be a mom. The more I think about it, the more I think that is the number one reason God decided to make me a mother...instantly, to older children who are filled with pain and grief at that! So many days I am at a complete loss as to how to handle certain situations. I can NOT do this on my own. I am a very stubborn woman. I am always looking for ways to be more self sufficient. Meanwhile God is always throwing things my way that defy self sufficiency. There has certainly been a pattern. God has given me something I cannot handle on my own, I turn to him for help, then once the crisis has passed, I've said, "Hey, I made it through. See, I can handle anything!" Until now. Now God has given me something that won't end. It's daily. Daily I find that I must seek him, because there's absolutely no way the challenges will end. Seeing as how my children will (hopefully) outlive me by quite a bit, I will daily be seeking him for guidance in my relationships with them for the rest of my life! I knew children would be a blessing in my life when I felt God's call to motherhood. I had no idea though how much of a blessing and challenge it would be in my relationship with God. I still struggle so much with trying to go it alone. There are many times when I'm feeling hopeless and in despair because I know that I'm not up to the task, and I forget the world isn't on my shoulders; it's in the palms of his hands. I am so grateful that he doesn't give up on this stubborn, hard hearted woman, but keeps showing me his love every single day. Going into motherhood, I never pictured that the more my children would lean on me and look to me, the more I would find myself looking to and leaning on my heavenly father. He didn't make me a mom just because I wanted it, or my children needed it; one of the reasons he did it is because I needed motherhood to mold me into the person he wants me to be. It's one of parenthood's greatest surprises.

At least JESUS loves the little children...

Okay, so you thought yesterday's statistic was unbelievable? Try this one on for size: within the same findings... "The data showed that parents are willing to pay an average of $16,000 more in finalization costs for a girl as opposed to a boy, says Yariv—and $38,000 more for a non-African-American baby than for an African-American baby." The other night in bed I mentioned something about transracial adoptive parenting, and my dear hubby said "I've never really considered myself a transracial adoptive parent. I just see myself as ZeZe's Papa." of course, I reminded him that's because he doesn't do her hair! In all seriousness I totally understand what he means. When the ones you love have a different shade of skin, that's all it is. My hubby's skin is darker than mine (he's multiracial) and our daughter's skin is darker than his. It's pigment. Nothing more. Granted, it's beautiful pigment (I often feel stabs of jealousy as I compare my morgue white skin to the tawny tan of my hubby or the mocha brown of my daughter) but merely a shade of skin. Sometimes when I'm reading something historical (or sadly not so historical) about a shade of skin or ancestry dividing people, driving people to murder and war and abominations, I look at my daughter and wonder how it's even possible. People often tease me that I have a mini me. ZeZe is so much like me it's scary. We tend to think the same way, behave the same way...we just don't look the same way. I can assure you though, if you've ever had any doubts, that difference in human beings is merely skin deep. Those within the human race share common mannerisms, thoughts, and behaviours with others who look nothing like them. So it boggles my mind and breaks my heart when I read that a brown child is less desired than a white one . A child is a child is a child. White, brown...and any beautiful shade in between.

Gender Bias

"The data showed that parents are willing to pay an average of $16,000 more in finalization costs for a girl as opposed to a boy." Did your jaw just drop? Mine did when I read that. It was included in the findings of a team of economists from the California Institute of Technology, the London School of Economics, and New York University. Lately gender bias in adoption has been on my mind. Probably because we're adopting a little boy. Not many people seek to adopt a male child--according to the statistics I've read, 70-90% of American potential adoptive parents request a female. In the foster care system things are no better than in the world of private adoption: only 36% of children chosen for adoption from foster care are boys. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I have fortunately been blessed to be surrounded by families who have adopted boys, but I am keenly aware that this is not the norm. I've read articles on gender selection and abortion, as well as gender selection and conception, and I haven't seen the same trend in either--it appears to be exclusive to adoption. Perhaps it has something to do with the antiquated notion that biological sons must carry on the "family name." I suppose one possibility is that women tend to be the movers and shakers in the adoption process (husbands are usually more passive regarding adoption), and many dream of raising a daughter. I know that personally, while I have always wanted both boys and girls, if I was told I got only one shot at it, I would have chosen a girl. As I explained to my husband when we questioned me on this, I told him, "Look, as a mom you only get your boy until he gets married, then his wife's family gets first dibs on every visit. A girl is yours forever." So I can possibly understand it from that standpoint (for the record though, we put no gender preference when we first adopted, we just happened to have a girl) I suppose another explanation could be that many people perceive boys to be more difficult to raise. Having a daughter and dealing daily high drama, I can only imagine these people have never been around girl children. I am anticipating the son we are expecting soon can only be easier to raise than our fussy, particular, drama queen of a daughter (whom I adore, if you happened to take that last sentence the wrong way!) Whatever the reason for the gender bias, I'm so glad we're getting a son. While we didn't put any gender preference into our home study, I was secretly hoping for a boy, and my husband was so excited when he found out we were having a son, that I thought he might spontaneously combust! I can feel the amazing love well within me for my son as well as that surge of protective mama bear inside me, and it confirms what I already knew: sons are every bit the amazing blessing that daughters are.

147 Million

Do you know that there are 147 million orphans in the world? In James (1:27)*, God instructs us to care for these orphans. So what do you think their greatest need is? A meal, sponsorship, a short term missions group coming in and sharing the love of Christ? All very good. But what do you think the greatest earthly need an orphan has is? It has to be the love of a parent. I once asked a young woman who was adopted when she was 13 if she would consider adopting when she became an adult. She replied "Of course. How could I not? I know what it feels like to be in limbo. To wonder if anyone will love you, and wonder if you'll ever have anyone to call Mom and Dad." I feel sick to my stomach to consider that feeling. To not not have the security and guidance of loving parents. My heart goes out to all the orphans in the world. What does an orphan look like? An orphan may be a child in a third world country, whose parents have died, and they have little to eat each day. An orphan may be a child right here in the US, for whom it has been determined, that their parents cannot care for them. An orphan may be 1 day old, or 18 years old. They may be white, brown, American, foreign, disabled, healthy--an orphan can look like any child in the world. What does an adoptive family look like? They might be in their 20’s 40’s or even 60’s. They may have no biological children, or a quiver full of bio kids. They might be poor or wealthy. They look exactly like you and me. The one thing I know about them, is that they are is past excuses. Many Christians tell me they would love to adopt, but….then come the excuses. One of the biggest I hear is that of finances. Yep, it’s overwhelming when you look at the cost. That’s when it time to step out in faith, confident that your heavenly father owns the cattle on a thousand hills. Many adoptive parents refer to the cost as “ransom”. They are not “paying” for a child, they are ransoming their child. This is where the church needs to step up and help with the ransom for these beloved children. Orphans should be one of the missions of each and every church. They should also be a big priority for each and every Christian. Why? God told us so. What can you do? You could bring this need before your church. Personally, you could look for little ways to sacrifice (like going on a fast food fast) and consider giving to a family who is scrambling to get together the ransom bring home a fatherless child to shower in love as beloved sons and daughters. Don’t know any families? Check this wonderful family out: http://amomentcherished.blogspot.com/p/our-journey-to-ethiopia.html Finally, you could consider bringing an orphan into your home as a part of your family. Sounds big, doesn’t it? That’s exactly what our heavenly father did for each of us. Even if you only read the first 2 sentences of my blog post, you are without excuse. I told you the problem (147 million orphans) and God’s solution (we are to care for them). So what are you going to do about it? "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me’” Matthew 25:34-40 *James 1:27 is personally very important to me, but God's command to care for the orphans and His love for them is evident througout scripture...don't believe me? Check out: Exodus 22:22, Deuteronomy 10:18, Deuteronomy 14:29, Deuteronomy 16:11, Deuteronomy 24:17, Deuteronomy 26:12, Deuteronomy 26:13, Deuteronomy 26:19, Job 29:12, Psalm 10:14, Psalm 10:18, Psalm 68:5, Psalm 82:3, Psalm 146:9, Proverbs 23:10, Isaiah 1:17, Jeremiah 7:6, Jeremiah 22:3, Jeremiah 49:11, Zechariah 7:10, Malachi 3:5, Hosea 14:3--this is by no means an exhaustive list, it's just the passages I've run into in the past few months during my daily bible reading.