Clinging

Long time, no blog. I guess that's what happens when you meet and bring home your 8-year-old son. The past few weeks have been a wild ride. We've had some wonderful times and some not so wonderful times. Daily I have felt immensely blessed to be chosen by God as the mother to both my children. Daily I have questioned my abilities as a mother. My hubby and I have been married for over 11 years. We have weathered some tough storms. We've spent long periods of time apart due to the military. Handling crises doing those periods of aloneness really shored up my confidence. Prior to motherhood, I would have described myself as a confident woman who could handle nearly anything thrown at her. Motherhood is...humbling. I absolutely cannot handle it on my own, and daily I question whether I was meant to be a mom. The more I think about it, the more I think that is the number one reason God decided to make me a mother...instantly, to older children who are filled with pain and grief at that! So many days I am at a complete loss as to how to handle certain situations. I can NOT do this on my own. I am a very stubborn woman. I am always looking for ways to be more self sufficient. Meanwhile God is always throwing things my way that defy self sufficiency. There has certainly been a pattern. God has given me something I cannot handle on my own, I turn to him for help, then once the crisis has passed, I've said, "Hey, I made it through. See, I can handle anything!" Until now. Now God has given me something that won't end. It's daily. Daily I find that I must seek him, because there's absolutely no way the challenges will end. Seeing as how my children will (hopefully) outlive me by quite a bit, I will daily be seeking him for guidance in my relationships with them for the rest of my life! I knew children would be a blessing in my life when I felt God's call to motherhood. I had no idea though how much of a blessing and challenge it would be in my relationship with God. I still struggle so much with trying to go it alone. There are many times when I'm feeling hopeless and in despair because I know that I'm not up to the task, and I forget the world isn't on my shoulders; it's in the palms of his hands. I am so grateful that he doesn't give up on this stubborn, hard hearted woman, but keeps showing me his love every single day. Going into motherhood, I never pictured that the more my children would lean on me and look to me, the more I would find myself looking to and leaning on my heavenly father. He didn't make me a mom just because I wanted it, or my children needed it; one of the reasons he did it is because I needed motherhood to mold me into the person he wants me to be. It's one of parenthood's greatest surprises.