Missing him

It's 12:30 am, and I'm not sleeping because my heart aches for my hubby. Sigh. Deployments never get any easier.

I remember when we were first married and stationed in CO Springs. Being married to a soldier was...quite an adjustment. The separations were really hard. People told me not worry--that they get easier. They Lied. Through. Their. Teeth. Each deployment gets so much harder. With each one we've shared more of a life together, we've become more...one. Being apart hurts so much more now.

Then there are the kids. Their pain in being separated from their father only intensifies mine. Every happy moment and accomplishment has a sad part to it as well, as they inevitably mention "I wish Papa were here for this."

My lack of friendships has also really stood out this time around. We've increased our family by three children in three years. That doesn't leave a lot of time for friendships. Until Cullen left, I didn't realize how much I depended on him as my (nearly) sole source of friendship and support. The frustrating thing is that being a temporarily single parent to 3 kiddos really doesn't put me in a position to seek fellowship with other women.

The upside I suppose, to these challenges, is that what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. I know it makes my relationships with my hubby and kids stronger. Cullen has a lot of trust in me right now. My kids and I have really had to band together to keep going. My appreciation and love for my husband has grown in his absence. These are strange blessings, because they are blessings, but they're born out of a lot of pain.

Pain as blessing is hard for me to grasp. Which is kind of funny, because in many ways, it's been rather the theme of my life. I tend to think that blessings should come out of the blue, like a wonderful gift as you're just going about in life. Certainly not be born out of gritty, bloody difficult circumstances. I'm coming to understand though, that the best things in life are the ones fought for--the ones that are hurt and anguish redeemed.

Now I don't even know if I'm making sense any more, as it's the middle of the night. But I feel better, and hopefully I can sleep--knowing full well that tomorrow holds more pain...and more blessing.