Trauma

This post by Jennifer at The Least Complicated nails it. Go read it. Seriously, she says it better than I ever could have.

Parenting children who have experienced trauma becomes your new norm when you're in the midst of it, but at the outset of adoption, many people expect it to be all unicorns and rainbows. Few understand the reality of what they may face. I'm not trying to scare anyone away from adoption. Just because something is difficult, doesn't mean it isn't amazing and worth it. God doesn't usually call us to what's easy and comfortable.

It's also amazing the things you discover you can deal with. The other night, I was telling my husband about a woman who's blog I follow:

Me: "I really admire her. Her kids have some significant issues, and she's always there for them, always determined to help them heal. I'm not sure I could do it. I mean we're talking peeing in retaliation, becoming violent during unbelievable meltdowns, pathological lying, stealing--seriously, I don't know how she does it."

Hubby: *stares at me, with odd look* "Now name something we haven't dealt with in our very home."

Me: "Uh, yeah, but her kids are different. Seriously, it sounds worse."

The only difference is that my kids are mine, and I love them. God has brought us together, and he's equipped us for the job. Of course it helps too, that I've seen a lot of healing in my kids. Particularly with ZeZe, who has come such a long way in the past 2 years. That helps a lot too; that experience helps me to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel with CJ.

Adoption isn't unicorns and rainbows. It's hard and it's amazing. I would take the gritty truth of it over rainbows and unicorns any day (well, most days, anyway!). When you've been through hell with your kid, and you come out on the other side together, it creates a bond like no other.

163 Million Minus One...

I'm sure you've heard the statistic that there are 163 million orphans in the world. Well, now there are 163 million....minus one :) CJ's adoption was finalized via telephone on November 22nd, 2010. He now has a family forever. No more shifting from home to home. No more trauma. Now he can be on a path to healing and come to know security. Please pray for all of us as he learns what forever means. Yes this post is late. Life has been overwhelming. Parenting children who have been traumatized is a lot different than parenting children who have not. The past couple months, parenting CJ has required of me nearly all of my time (including my blogging time!)...and the rest of my time has been devoted to making sure ZeZe doesn't get lost in the shuffle! We've made some progress lately (or at least I think so) so I'm optimistic that maybe I'll be able to sneak in a little blogging time in the coming weeks.

Adoption is beautiful, but ugly attitudes persist...even among adoptive parents.

Adoption is beautiful. It doesn't matter if that child is brown, white, African, American, Guatemalan, Chinese, etc. A child is a child is a child, and when a child is in need, it's so beautiful when God meets that need with a family. What's not so beautiful are some of the ugly attitudes about adoption. Now, I just want to preface what I'm about to say with the fact that I have absolutely nothing against international adoption--I think international adoption is wonderful, and if God so leads our family, we will enthusiastically pursue international adoption at some point. Now that the disclaimer is over, I have to say, I am heartily sick of the prevailing attitude among adoptive/potential adoptive parents that international adoption is somehow a superior form of adoption over domestic, because children domestically supposedly aren't in need. It makes me quite angry when I hear proponents of international adoption say that the children in US foster care don't experience real need the way children in other countries do. I think this view is bred largely of ignorance. Children in foster care have real need. Children are 11 times more likely to be abused in State care than they are in their own homes. So much sexual abuse takes place in foster homes, as victims come into homes unequipped to deal with their needs and then mimic the things done to them towards other children. It's hard to get actual statistics, as not many children are willing to talk about sexual abuse they've experienced, but it does appear that few children escape foster unscathed by sexual abuse. Nationwide, an estimated 30,000 adolescents age out of the foster care system each year. According to the Child Welfare League of America, 25 percent become homeless, 56 percent are unemployed, 27 percent of male children end up in jail. In fact, 80 percent of prison inmates have been through the foster care system. There are wonderful foster parents out there. There are also abusive and neglectful ones. So please don't tell me that the needs of all the children in foster care are being met, so we shouldn't waste resources helping them. I personally know children who have suffered physical abuse, medical neglect, and sexual abuse while in foster care (for the record, I also know children who were loved and treated quite well in foster care, I just know far fewer of them). When a child is not able to receive basic medical care, enough food to eat, or have a safe place to sleep at night, their basic needs are NOT being met. So there are holes all over the argument that US adoption isn't as important as international adoption. This though, I really think is secondary to the most important motive in adopting any child (anywhere in the world) Giving a child a family--a place to be loved and cherished, a home. That is the most important issue. And there are children all over the world, from your very own city to the other side of the planet with this need. You either have a passion to help children in need, or you don't. If you do, you'll advocate for children all over the planet, not just from where you assume (and in your opinion) the most need exists. God told us to care for orphans. Period. He didn't include a global map with push pins showing us where the most important orphans reside. They're all important. Every last one. So many beautiful ways to show God's love to the world. The whole world.

Yep, I'm tired. Wanna make something of it?

This cartoon is my life right now. Even though I have 2 kids, it perfectly depicts my life (my 2 can feel like 4 sometimes, and I have more than double the dogs shown in it anyway!) Lately I've been really hard on myself. I'm really tired. Stressed out. Whiny. I keep telling myself to buck up, pull it together and be the fantastic mom I always knew I would be. Then the other night I was reading a blog where a woman mentioned that she had 6 kids in 6 years. I chuckled to myself and thought "I hear you. I had 2 kids in under 2 years!" Then I realized: I had TWO kids. In UNDER TWO years. No wonder I'm tired!! 1 year and 9 months after bringing home our daughter, we brought home our son. Parenting older children is a little different than parenting a newborn. It's like learning how to swim by being thrown in the deep end of the pool. So yeah, I'm ALLOWED to be tired. I've been a mom for only 2 years. It's ridiculous to think I'd have this motherhood thing down perfectly. My kids are happy, clean, well fed, educated, and secure. That's something to be happy about, rather than looking at all my failings. It's been a difficult year to boot. My hubby was gone to the Middle East for the first 1/2 of the year. Then as soon as he came home, we met, and brought home our 8-year-old son. We've faced a myriad of problems in getting our son the healthcare he needs, and we've had to deal with a lot of bureaucrats along the way. Under normal circumstances, getting used to parenting (and homeschooling!) 2 kids at once would be tough, but when you add the other stressors, I think I'm allowed to be tired! The problem is, when you adopt, there are a lot of people watching you. Of course there are the social workers, that's not such a big deal. The big deal is all the people you know. Many are watching because they're contemplating adoption, and some are watching out of curiosity concerning this whole adoption thing. Unfortunately, some are also watching and waiting for you to fall flat on your face, so they can say "I told you so!" That's a lot of pressure on an adoptive family who are trying to wade through issues of attachment and adjustment. I feel like I always have to have a giant smile on my face and tell everyone how incredibly wonderful EVERYTHING is. That's just not true. I LOVE my kids, but adopting older children (and by older, I'm referring to any child older than newborn) is very challenging at times. I'm okay with that. I know God has called me to this. I guess my fear is that other people aren't okay with it. I'm worried someone will see how hard this is sometimes and decide not to help a hurting child. I'm scared people who are unfamiliar with adoption, when they see our family's imperfections, will blame it all on adoption, and wag their tongues about it. I hate that when I'm having a rough day sometimes, I find out someone's been telling other people that I clearly got in over my head. I fear that if my family doesn't appear perfect, that people who have been looking for a reason to treat my children differently, will pounce on it. We're doing okay though. My kids are happy. They're healthy. They enjoy life. I enjoy them. Yeah, I'm tired. What mom isn't? No, they're not always perfectly behaved. What child is? So I've decided to care less about what other people think. If someone decides not to adopt because it holds challenges, then I would have to say their heart isn't in the right place to do so anyway. If someone is judging that I'm in over my head or I wasn't cut out for motherhood because I'm tired and overwhelmed at times, they can go...well, never mind, but suffice to say, despite my love for animals, it applies to the horse they rode in on too. And if someone decides to treat my children poorly, they should think twice, because this Mama Bear isn't in the mood to take prisoners right now. Tongues can wag until they fall off. I've decided I don't care anymore. I love my family, and I'm so happy with the way it is. Before the beginning of time, God chose these children as mine, and me for their Mama. That's good enough for me. I may be tired, but I'm happy. The only thing I need right now is encouragement...not wagging tongues. Hi, I'm Laura. I'm tired, overwhelmed, I occasionally totally blow it in motherhood, and I'm completely imperfect. But it's okay. God's working amazing things in my life and the lives of my family members. He is good. All the time.

Clinging

Long time, no blog. I guess that's what happens when you meet and bring home your 8-year-old son. The past few weeks have been a wild ride. We've had some wonderful times and some not so wonderful times. Daily I have felt immensely blessed to be chosen by God as the mother to both my children. Daily I have questioned my abilities as a mother. My hubby and I have been married for over 11 years. We have weathered some tough storms. We've spent long periods of time apart due to the military. Handling crises doing those periods of aloneness really shored up my confidence. Prior to motherhood, I would have described myself as a confident woman who could handle nearly anything thrown at her. Motherhood is...humbling. I absolutely cannot handle it on my own, and daily I question whether I was meant to be a mom. The more I think about it, the more I think that is the number one reason God decided to make me a mother...instantly, to older children who are filled with pain and grief at that! So many days I am at a complete loss as to how to handle certain situations. I can NOT do this on my own. I am a very stubborn woman. I am always looking for ways to be more self sufficient. Meanwhile God is always throwing things my way that defy self sufficiency. There has certainly been a pattern. God has given me something I cannot handle on my own, I turn to him for help, then once the crisis has passed, I've said, "Hey, I made it through. See, I can handle anything!" Until now. Now God has given me something that won't end. It's daily. Daily I find that I must seek him, because there's absolutely no way the challenges will end. Seeing as how my children will (hopefully) outlive me by quite a bit, I will daily be seeking him for guidance in my relationships with them for the rest of my life! I knew children would be a blessing in my life when I felt God's call to motherhood. I had no idea though how much of a blessing and challenge it would be in my relationship with God. I still struggle so much with trying to go it alone. There are many times when I'm feeling hopeless and in despair because I know that I'm not up to the task, and I forget the world isn't on my shoulders; it's in the palms of his hands. I am so grateful that he doesn't give up on this stubborn, hard hearted woman, but keeps showing me his love every single day. Going into motherhood, I never pictured that the more my children would lean on me and look to me, the more I would find myself looking to and leaning on my heavenly father. He didn't make me a mom just because I wanted it, or my children needed it; one of the reasons he did it is because I needed motherhood to mold me into the person he wants me to be. It's one of parenthood's greatest surprises.

At least JESUS loves the little children...

Okay, so you thought yesterday's statistic was unbelievable? Try this one on for size: within the same findings... "The data showed that parents are willing to pay an average of $16,000 more in finalization costs for a girl as opposed to a boy, says Yariv—and $38,000 more for a non-African-American baby than for an African-American baby." The other night in bed I mentioned something about transracial adoptive parenting, and my dear hubby said "I've never really considered myself a transracial adoptive parent. I just see myself as ZeZe's Papa." of course, I reminded him that's because he doesn't do her hair! In all seriousness I totally understand what he means. When the ones you love have a different shade of skin, that's all it is. My hubby's skin is darker than mine (he's multiracial) and our daughter's skin is darker than his. It's pigment. Nothing more. Granted, it's beautiful pigment (I often feel stabs of jealousy as I compare my morgue white skin to the tawny tan of my hubby or the mocha brown of my daughter) but merely a shade of skin. Sometimes when I'm reading something historical (or sadly not so historical) about a shade of skin or ancestry dividing people, driving people to murder and war and abominations, I look at my daughter and wonder how it's even possible. People often tease me that I have a mini me. ZeZe is so much like me it's scary. We tend to think the same way, behave the same way...we just don't look the same way. I can assure you though, if you've ever had any doubts, that difference in human beings is merely skin deep. Those within the human race share common mannerisms, thoughts, and behaviours with others who look nothing like them. So it boggles my mind and breaks my heart when I read that a brown child is less desired than a white one . A child is a child is a child. White, brown...and any beautiful shade in between.

Gender Bias

"The data showed that parents are willing to pay an average of $16,000 more in finalization costs for a girl as opposed to a boy." Did your jaw just drop? Mine did when I read that. It was included in the findings of a team of economists from the California Institute of Technology, the London School of Economics, and New York University. Lately gender bias in adoption has been on my mind. Probably because we're adopting a little boy. Not many people seek to adopt a male child--according to the statistics I've read, 70-90% of American potential adoptive parents request a female. In the foster care system things are no better than in the world of private adoption: only 36% of children chosen for adoption from foster care are boys. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I have fortunately been blessed to be surrounded by families who have adopted boys, but I am keenly aware that this is not the norm. I've read articles on gender selection and abortion, as well as gender selection and conception, and I haven't seen the same trend in either--it appears to be exclusive to adoption. Perhaps it has something to do with the antiquated notion that biological sons must carry on the "family name." I suppose one possibility is that women tend to be the movers and shakers in the adoption process (husbands are usually more passive regarding adoption), and many dream of raising a daughter. I know that personally, while I have always wanted both boys and girls, if I was told I got only one shot at it, I would have chosen a girl. As I explained to my husband when we questioned me on this, I told him, "Look, as a mom you only get your boy until he gets married, then his wife's family gets first dibs on every visit. A girl is yours forever." So I can possibly understand it from that standpoint (for the record though, we put no gender preference when we first adopted, we just happened to have a girl) I suppose another explanation could be that many people perceive boys to be more difficult to raise. Having a daughter and dealing daily high drama, I can only imagine these people have never been around girl children. I am anticipating the son we are expecting soon can only be easier to raise than our fussy, particular, drama queen of a daughter (whom I adore, if you happened to take that last sentence the wrong way!) Whatever the reason for the gender bias, I'm so glad we're getting a son. While we didn't put any gender preference into our home study, I was secretly hoping for a boy, and my husband was so excited when he found out we were having a son, that I thought he might spontaneously combust! I can feel the amazing love well within me for my son as well as that surge of protective mama bear inside me, and it confirms what I already knew: sons are every bit the amazing blessing that daughters are.