Sunday, May 23, 2010
I’m adopted. The only parents I’ve ever known are the ones who conceived me, yet I assure you, I’m adopted. God has adopted me as his daughter. My adoption is something I never contemplated very much until I became an adoptive parent myself. I “get” my adoption now, in so many ways I never did before. Becoming an adoptive parent has revealed so many things to me that I never saw before. It’s like I can view my relationship with my heavenly father from angles, that were previously unavailable to me. So many times I just sit back and say “wow” --other times I’m completely speechless. It’s hard to put much of it in words, but I’m going to do my best. Forgive me if these thoughts seem a little random and disorganized. I’ve always been aware that I am a daughter of God, but I admit I‘ve struggled with assurance of my salvation. I think that a lot of that is that, while I contemplated being a daughter of God I didn’t consider my adoption much. Adoption is CHOOSING a person to be your own child. My daughter isn’t just my daughter, she is my CHOSEN daughter. I chose to be HER parent, come what may. God chose me. There’s an amazing commitment there when you think about it. I wasn’t thrust upon him; God chose to be my father. He picked me as his, and he will never let me go. One of my favourite songs is You Never Let Go by Matt Redman. The chorus says: Oh no, You never let go Through the calm and through the storm Oh no, You never let go In every high and every low Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me Never did this become more real to me until I became an adoptive parent and realized, I was choosing this child as mine, and that I would love her faithfully forever--no matter what. When my daughter rejects me at times, it gives me a small look into how God feels when I reject him. Here he plucked me from misery, he shows me the path of righteousness, and I often say no thanks--I’d rather something less. It’s almost unfathomable until you see it in action as a parent. I remember one very difficult evening with my daughter shortly after her arrival to our home. She was having an awful fit--kicking, hitting, and spewing terrible hateful words at me. I just grabbed her and held her. I rocked her, and every time she said she hated me, I said “I love you. Papa loves you. God loves you. Even if you hate me, I will never stop loving you.” after a while, she stopped screaming that she hated me, and started crying and saying “Don’t love me! Stop it! I don’t want you to love me! I won’t let you love me! Please don’t love me!” I just kept reassuring her of my love for her. Eventually through her tears she said she loved me and needed my love. Later, as I reflected on that difficult evening, I could hardly believe it. Here I was offering her love, and she begged me not to love her!! It sounds rather ridiculous, doesn’t it? But how many times does our heavenly Father pour his love out to us, only to have us reject him! And he is always faithful to me. I didn’t birth my child from my womb. I birthed her from my very soul. That probably sounds rather dramatic, and it is. When you take a wounded person and claim them as your own, so many tears and prayers go into the process. It gives me a small window at times (granted, a very small window!) of what it must be like for God to take us, and though we may be absolutely wounded and utterly shattered, he brings us into his family to become beloved sons and daughters. One day, I saw my daughter walk up to my husband, and say “How can I ever thank you for adopting me?” It reminds me of my gratefulness to God. He has given me a home and a name. Without him, I would have nothing. Often when we pray at bedtime, my daughter thanks God for giving her parents. I pray along with her, thanking him for my amazing daughter, and I cannot help but thank him for being my loving Father. There are many other things God has taught me about my adoption through my experience as an adoptive parent, and I know that there are probably many more lessons down the road (particularly as we embark on the adoption of our son in the coming months) Some of them I’m sure he’ll teach me over and over again. I am continually amazed, that he saw fit to not only give me motherhood, but to give me a daily peek into my relationship with him as my relationship with my child grows.