Thursday, May 27, 2010
One Tough Cookie?
I’m not Wonder Woman. I’m sure this doesn’t shock you. It kinda shocks me, I guess. Today someone I don’t know offered to do something very kind for me to help me out at their own time and expense. They offered via e-mail, and I haven’t responded yet. It’s something I really need help with, yet, it’s so hard to accept the help. I’m very touched that it was offered, and it means a lot. I don’t fear owing this person anything. I help other people all the time. I insist on helping others often. So why is this so hard for me? I have spent my days during this deployment, alternating between “I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.” and “God, I can’t do this, help me!” So when help comes along, you’d think I’d pounce on it gratefully. I am grateful, by the way. I am deeply touched when anyone offers to help me or give me words of encouragement. It’s just hard to admit I need the help. I guess it’s because we chose this. Serving our country is important to our family, so we chose to be put through this. I guess part of me feels like when you make your bed, you’re supposed to lie in it and like it. Sort of like the first couple of rough months after our daughter came home to us. I felt like I was in waaaaaaay over my head, yet when people asked how I was doing or if I needed help, I just pasted a smile on my face and told them everything was fine. After all, I chose my child, so I should be able to handle it, right? It’s kind of funny: in these situations, I’ve begged God for help, but when it’s been offered, I’ve refused. I’ve been surrounded by wonderful people who have offered to serve me in kindness, and I cannot accept it joyfully as the gift it is. I feel ashamed when I have to accept help. A bit of it is that when someone vaguely offers to help if you need anything, you don’t know if they’re on the level, or just trying to be nice. Most of it though is, I wonder how fair it is for me to sign up for a challenging life, then lean on others when the going gets tough. After all, those other people didn’t sign up for this. I believe God has ordained all things. He has called my husband to a job that make my life very challenging at times. So does that mean that because God has directed our life, that I should be perfectly equipped to deal with it without asking for help, or does it mean that he will just surround me with the help I need as I need it? I gotta say, I don’t feel all that equipped to handle things all on my own. But I still feel bad reaching out for help. Kinda twisted, huh?