Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression;
bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause. Isaiah 1:17

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Dark Days

I haven’t been blogging much lately. I don’t feel much like interacting with anyone. You know that depression commercial where people are shown in utter sadness, staring off into space? That’s been me lately. I’m not literally laying on the couch staring into space (I do have 2 eight-year-olds to care for) But I’m there mentally. I find myself withdrawing from everyone I love.

There have been some really dark times in my life lately. I don’t understand some of the things God has called me to. Sometimes I wonder how it’s possible He would call me to such a life. Did I misunderstand Him? I begin to doubt. I doubt Him massively. I doubt that my circumstances could possibly be the result of His will. I wonder how I can cry out to Him in agony, and just when I think I’ve hit bottom, things get worse. Why would he call me to some of the circumstances in my life? They hurt so much. I am not equipped.

Martin Luther struggled with depression his whole life. Often I find myself clinging to many of his writings. I can’t even do that right now. The pain is too big. Though I know He's not, God feels insufficient sometimes. I know I'm insufficient. I don’t understand why I’m even here.

When my husband can take the kids, I often find myself curling up with a dog, crying, and listening to Jars of Clay’s This Road:

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel may it be the straight and narrow
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

Until I can somehow be granted a “do over” in life, this song is the closest I can get to feeling comfort amidst the pain.

Right now I feel like music is the only thing that can minister to my soul, so I’ve been listening to a lot of Jars of Clay, Superchick, and Burlap to Cashmere. It does sooth my soul, and makes me realize maybe God hasn’t completely forgotten me in my pain.

No comments: